Addison

All I have been thinking about the past few days is Addison. I am imagining how I would look and feel at 19 weeks. I imagine seeing her ultrasounds and feeling her inside my belly. I picture her kicking or twirling in my tummy. It's a very sweet thing to think about.

I'm doing my best to move on and not be upset about it. I loved my daughter and I wanted to keep her. I'm upset that the choice wasn't mine. That might be the most painful part; losing something I wanted so much. The craziest thing is that I didn't know how badly I wanted to be a mother. I wish that I had been given that chance. I would have been a great mommy. I know that it wasn't the right man, the right situation, the right time, but nothing can outweigh my grief and sadness. I still lost my child and it's so unbearable at times.

Something is holding me back from moving forward. What that is I'm not quite sure, but I hope that through some more time and soul searching I am able to figure it out. Nobody can ever replace my daughter. Nothing can fill the void of her being gone, but that doesn't mean I can't go on. I really think she would want me to. I know that she is in great hands up above :)

I want to get a tattoo to remember my daughter, for her to physically remain a part of me-forever. I've been going through different ideas. I'm not yet sure what I will get but I definitely want my due date on there. I will possibly put her name and I'm thinking either the October month flower or a baby angel. It will be very sweet and I can't wait to have my baby apart of me again-just in a different way.