Tomorrow...

I would be almost 8 weeks and get to hear my baby's heartbeat. It's so sad. So many people I know are pregnant and I'm so happy for them, but also sad because my baby didn't make it. It's so hard for me to accept. I just feel like it won't happen again. I wonder if I want it to. I want the baby I had, not a different one. All I do is cry about it everyday and it's really hard. Tomorrow is going to be awful because all I will think about is what I lost. I try to be positive but that's the only way I can think about it right now. I miss my baby and I wish so much that it was still in my tummy.

Worst Day of My Life

Yesterday I found out for sure that I had miscarried my baby. It was the worst day of my life. I went in hoping that my baby would be okay, even though I knew deep down inside that I had lost my precious life growing inside me. After the doctor told me, I started bawling. Even though the pregnancy was unplanned, I had become so excited and loved my baby already. I couldn't wait until I could hold him or her in my arms. It would be something that I made, something I created. The fat ass would be way worth it when I laid my eyes on my baby. But sadly, none of that will ever be now. They gave me papers on resources; meetings and such. To be honest, I try to deal with things myself. I don't like letting people into my world because it's so crazy and amazing to me. I don't think many would understand. They also gave me a pamphlet, a short version of a book. It's called, When Hello Means Goodbye. I read a page and couldn't get through anymore. The pages talk about grief and coping. I'm still in shock and denial. I know that I lost my baby but I just don't believe it. I keep hoping, praying that a miracle will happen. I know it won't. Next week my hormone levels will continue to go down and probably be back at zero. Zero. Like there was nothing there. Well there was something there. It was my beautiful baby that I wanted. I never even saw what he or she looked like on a sonogram. My baby's eye and hair color were already determined. My baby had a heartbeat too. It was a live thing. And now it's gone and it's so hard. This pain is unbearable. I'm 20 years old and I lost my baby. I should have been able to have that baby. There are many crackwhores who do drugs when pregnant and their babies survive? It's not fair. All I wanted was a beautiful, healthy child. THIS beautiful, healthy child. I think back at what I was doing before I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't good. I was drinking, smoking, partying. I was being a 20 year old female. Had I known that I was pregnant I would have quit everything! My baby was so much more important to me than any of that shit. I feel so much guilt. Like there was something I did that killed my baby. I really hope that's not true but I'm not sure. I'm still in this process of trying to figure out what went wrong and why my baby died. God, I miss my baby so much. All I want is him or her back in my tummy and to be well. Again, that will never happen now. I'm 20. There's no reason why I can't have a healthy, normal pregnancy. It's just not fair. God gave me a little blessing and then he took it away like that. That's not right. I will never be the same. I will always need to grieve because I lost my baby. That's something that not a lot of people talk about but a lot of people go through. Here I am sharing MY truth. Two days later this is where I'm at right now. I hope someday I will be better, more healed. Eventually, I will move on but I will never forget my precious baby.

My Baby,
Mommy loves you so much. Even though we couldn't be together right now, I know you're with Aunt Nicole and you two are shining bright as the sun with your love. I miss you so incredibly much. I wish our time together had been longer but I would never take back the few days we had. You brought me so much joy and happiness. Thank you for that. Those were feelings I had never felt before and they meant so much to me. I caught a glimpse of what this will one day be like. I will never forget you. You are my first baby. My most special baby. Nobody can or will ever take your place sweetie. Know that Mommy loves you always and forever. I can't wait until I meet you and Aunt Nicole in Heaven. Until then, I have to somehow make peace with this.Watch over me, my little angel. I feel you everyday in my heart and soul and that will NEVER go away. Until that one sweet day it's see you later because there will never be goodbye. My baby, I love you and promise to never let go of this feeling.  <3 Mommy