Yesterday I found out for sure that I had miscarried my baby. It was the worst day of my life. I went in hoping that my baby would be okay, even though I knew deep down inside that I had lost my precious life growing inside me. After the doctor told me, I started bawling. Even though the pregnancy was unplanned, I had become so excited and loved my baby already. I couldn't wait until I could hold him or her in my arms. It would be something that I made, something I created. The fat ass would be way worth it when I laid my eyes on my baby. But sadly, none of that will ever be now. They gave me papers on resources; meetings and such. To be honest, I try to deal with things myself. I don't like letting people into my world because it's so crazy and amazing to me. I don't think many would understand. They also gave me a pamphlet, a short version of a book. It's called, When Hello Means Goodbye. I read a page and couldn't get through anymore. The pages talk about grief and coping. I'm still in shock and denial. I know that I lost my baby but I just don't believe it. I keep hoping, praying that a miracle will happen. I know it won't. Next week my hormone levels will continue to go down and probably be back at zero. Zero. Like there was nothing there. Well there was something there. It was my beautiful baby that I wanted. I never even saw what he or she looked like on a sonogram. My baby's eye and hair color were already determined. My baby had a heartbeat too. It was a live thing. And now it's gone and it's so hard. This pain is unbearable. I'm 20 years old and I lost my baby. I should have been able to have that baby. There are many crackwhores who do drugs when pregnant and their babies survive? It's not fair. All I wanted was a beautiful, healthy child. THIS beautiful, healthy child. I think back at what I was doing before I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't good. I was drinking, smoking, partying. I was being a 20 year old female. Had I known that I was pregnant I would have quit everything! My baby was so much more important to me than any of that shit. I feel so much guilt. Like there was something I did that killed my baby. I really hope that's not true but I'm not sure. I'm still in this process of trying to figure out what went wrong and why my baby died. God, I miss my baby so much. All I want is him or her back in my tummy and to be well. Again, that will never happen now. I'm 20. There's no reason why I can't have a healthy, normal pregnancy. It's just not fair. God gave me a little blessing and then he took it away like that. That's not right. I will never be the same. I will always need to grieve because I lost my baby. That's something that not a lot of people talk about but a lot of people go through. Here I am sharing MY truth. Two days later this is where I'm at right now. I hope someday I will be better, more healed. Eventually, I will move on but I will never forget my precious baby.
My Baby,
Mommy loves you so much. Even though we couldn't be together right now, I know you're with Aunt Nicole and you two are shining bright as the sun with your love. I miss you so incredibly much. I wish our time together had been longer but I would never take back the few days we had. You brought me so much joy and happiness. Thank you for that. Those were feelings I had never felt before and they meant so much to me. I caught a glimpse of what this will one day be like. I will never forget you. You are my first baby. My most special baby. Nobody can or will ever take your place sweetie. Know that Mommy loves you always and forever. I can't wait until I meet you and Aunt Nicole in Heaven. Until then, I have to somehow make peace with this.Watch over me, my little angel. I feel you everyday in my heart and soul and that will NEVER go away. Until that one sweet day it's see you later because there will never be goodbye. My baby, I love you and promise to never let go of this feeling. <3 Mommy
"You may think you know me, but you really have no idea."
It's not your fault. Like you said, you are 20 years old doing what any normal 20 year old would do. I know that if you had known you were pregnant that same day you would have not been doing any of that stuff but unfortunately, you can't know until a few weeks later whether it's planned or not. I know it's not fair and I also understand why you feel so guilty. Having something beautiful growing inside of you makes you feel like you have to do everything you can to protect it. But, only God can decide what will happen in that circumstance. Whether you are the cleanest person or a complete meth head, only God will make the decision to let that life grow. I can not tell you how sorry I am to hear about your lose. I believe that as a woman, we have that close connection from the beginning when we become pregnant. Men do not get to experience this and so it hurts when we can not carry, it can make you feel less like a woman. But please don't ever think that you. You are a strong, beautiful woman and someday God will grant you with the gift of life. I know you don't feel comfortable with it, but maybe going to one of the meetings would help. Sometimes talking it out can help and I would think that going to a place where no one knows you and is unbiased to your story may create a very positive experience for you. I understand why you wouldn't want to but it is just something to think about. Of course, I am always here for you if you feel like talking to someone closer. I love you with all my hope and I know that right now it feels like the end or the worst thing possible but better days are soon to come. <3
ReplyDeleteYou're the best Alesha! You definitely gave me a lot to think about. It seems like it gets harder because I realize how far along I would be right now. I would be 7 weeks today and my first appointment would be Friday. I would probably get to hear my baby's heartbeat :( I really hope things get better. It's always hard to think that being stuck in the middle of it. I hope you're right and that someday I will have my own precious life inside me. I wanted this one though and that's what makes it hard. Anyways, thanks for all your encouraging words. I love you!
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