Pain & Sadness

Lately, I have been so stressed out. Physically I have been very ill and I'm not quite sure what's going on. Hopefully it passes within a week because I hate always feeling tired, in pain, and useless. Sad as it is, I'm excited to get back to school and have some sort of motivation so that I can distract myself from how badly I'm feeling.

I'm starting counseling tomorrow and I'm nervous yet hopeful that this will help me out. There are so many things from my past that I've held onto and I'm so ready to deal with it and put it behind me. I deserve to be freed from these feelings of despair, sadness, and anger. I also hope this aids me in healing from my miscarriage. I imagined that it would be a little easier by now, almost 2 months later, but it's not. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. Hell, everyday is a struggle for me to want to live, not that I want to kill myself or anything. It's just that I can't imagine living my life while my baby is dead. I cry every single day. I have never felt this pain in my life. This is the hardest thing I've been through and I'm really struggling. I think talking to somebody will help me and I truly hope it does. I'm also reading some books while on break. I should get 2 tomorrow from the library and even though I'm sure I will cry and it will be hard to read, I know I'm not alone and that so many other people have gone through this. I envision that it will give me a perspective from down the road, being able to live with the fact that my first baby didn't make it but that I can still be happy and live life and have other babies when I'm ready.

I was going to write more but that's all for now. I'm just not feeling like writing anything more. 

xoxo Rach