Nicole's Birthday

There are less than 4 weeks until Nicole's birthday. She's been gone 6 months. Though I don't cry everyday anymore, I still miss her. I wonder what she would say about things that have gone on and what advice she would give me. She was always the best at giving advice. She never judged you even if you seriously fucked up. We could always be silly yet serious with each other. It was a great friendship I wish could have progressed into something more dynamic. I wish I knew a lot of her secrets and that we had done more things together. However, I am so incredibly grateful for the time that we did share. It will filled with so much love and happiness. We never really talked about too many bad things, just good. In a way I'm okay with that because I never wanted us to focus on her illness or that she was dying. It didn't seem important. What was important was making the most of the time we had together. To know that somebody is dying is in a way such a beautiful thing. We got to know each other more than we ever had in all the time we knew each other. The last two months of her life we so lovely and I got to see her about 6 times. I thank God for allowing us that time, even though Nicole was in pain and needed to go. We got to a great place and got to say our goodbyes. The last time I saw her was in her living room the night before she passed. She was laying on her hospital bed. She couldn't move or speak. Knowing that this would be the last time I would see her, I held her hand, went up close to her face, and told her that I loved her. Her eyes opened and tried to look straight at me but quite couldn't. I know she was trying to say that she loved me too. And that was all I needed. She truly loved me and I truly loved her in return. That's my last memory of Nicole. It has to be my best too. Every day I love and miss you nicoley. I try to make sense of it and understand why you're gone but I don't. You should still be here, happy, and healthy. But I can't think like that because that's not how it happened. I miss her so much! For her birthday I want to do something extremely special. To those of you that knew here, do you have any ideas? I was thinking visiting her grave site or going to the beach. I just need a day about my love Nicole. I miss you so much love. Way too much.