She Lives On

When you lose somebody so close to you it never gets better. Not really anyways. The pain will always be there. Knowing that the person you could always turn to won't be there with their arms and ears wide open makes it that much harder. But, I do believe that in time, the heart fills with love more than sadness, laughter more than tears, and hope more than fear.

I won't forget. I already promised you that I will carry you with me wherever I go...forever. What really gets me through is the pictures, the memories. Those can never be taken away. Friendship doesn't die. It lives on....just as you do.

Let Him Fly

I've only ever loved two men. The first one we won't talk about. The second was Jake. It's been almost a year since he broke my heart and moved on-without telling me that he was moving on I might add. It hurt so bad. He truly was my first and only best guy friend. I could tell him anything and I did. It was hard not being able to have him to talk to. He always dealt with my crap even when I was being a complete bitch. When he kissed me I felt like he really cared about me. Well, lips can be deceiving I guess. So, I was going through my messages on myspace, deleting the ones I didn't need. I came across a message from his girlfriend who he moved on with. I saw them both on her profile picture and clicked to see it enhanced. Big mistake. Now it's both of their profiles. It says Jacob & Heidi. I was the ONLY person to call him that. His legal name is Jake. So of course I started crying. A year later and I'm crying over some boy who never gave a shit about me. I feel really pathetic. Why am I wasting my tears over him? I think that people come into our lives to teach us a lesson and make us see things we never saw before. I believe in fate. I had wished that one day he would come back into my life-even as my friend-because I needed him. Now I know that that will never happen. He showed me that I am capable of love and friendship. He also taught me that I need to be more stable with myself and with other people. I miss him. He meant a lot to me. I will cry every December probably. However, I know the best thing that I can do is put it in God's hands. If we are meant to be we will be...but I really think all that will ever be between us has already happened. I'm just going to have to let him fly...But I love him. That I do know. I just hope that one day I will be able to move on and let myself fly.

Thankful

I am super thankful for the people in my family who are not assholes and my lovely friends. I'm so thankful for my funny little sister and my obnoxious now legal brother. I am also thankful for these new friends I have made in the past few months through Nicole. We have been hurt and in mourning and it makes it just a little easier when we have other people going through the same thing. We are able to share memories and share feelings of sadness. Most importantly, I'm thankful for all years I knew Nicole, all the times I spent with her, all the beautiful memories we shared. I keep them in my heart and I will forever treasure them. I miss you every day love but today I'm just thinking of the moments we shared. The times when we would laugh hysterically and talk about our annoyances with people. I loved them then but now they are like little time frames forever playing in my mind. So glad I have that :)

Some Thoughts...

Balled my eyes out last night because I miss my friend. Some days are okay. Some days are really hard. Other days when I think I'm fine, all of the sudden I think about her and sadness overcomes me. Sometimes it's almost too much to handle.

I never knew I could miss somebody so much. I know she would be telling me to knock my shit off, but I can't. She understood me in a way that nobody else really ever has. She took the time to listen and see past the rough exterior. She knew who I was. She loved me. And I loved her.

Nicole and everything she represented will always be embedded in my heart. It's not always enough though. I want more. I want her. Here. It's selfish, but it's the truth. I don't know how I can make it the rest of my life without her.

Craziness

This has officially been the WORST year of my life. Let me list all the major things that have happened so far-
1. got into a car accident, broke tendons in my wrist, and got stuck without a car
2. parted ways with a really good friend (but she was a bitch anyways, so I'm okay with it)
3. moved back into my mom's house
4. lost the boy I truly loved :(
5. got my heart broken by a few stupid little fuckers
6. lost $200 (though will eventually get it back)
7. had the shittiest birthday ever because nobody came and my ex-sister left the day before to be with her real cousin (nice, huh?)
8. received some awful grades because of all the stress from the shit listed above
9. had numerous health problems & visited the ER I don't know how many times
10. have numerous large bills to pay off
11. no longer talking with my sister because of a huge, stupid fight
12. the worst-lost one of my closest friends in October RIP Nicole <3

I'm trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes I wonder why me?? I've been through so much crap and I feel like I've paid my dues. I've been hit, sworn at, made to feel like shit, been depressed...but you know what?? I'm still here. I may not be doing great, but I'm still kicking. I think I really need to understand this balance between appreciating what I have and striving to achieve more. Too much of either isn't good. There are a lot of things I need to change. I need to work on myself and what I want. I need to heal from my past and forgive myself because I know that's the only way I will be able to move on and get to where I really want to be-successful and happy. I'm young. I still have time. The hardest part is knowing what you want and being in the process of changing it. I hope I have the strength to make it through this time, so the real me can shine.