Pain & Sadness

Lately, I have been so stressed out. Physically I have been very ill and I'm not quite sure what's going on. Hopefully it passes within a week because I hate always feeling tired, in pain, and useless. Sad as it is, I'm excited to get back to school and have some sort of motivation so that I can distract myself from how badly I'm feeling.

I'm starting counseling tomorrow and I'm nervous yet hopeful that this will help me out. There are so many things from my past that I've held onto and I'm so ready to deal with it and put it behind me. I deserve to be freed from these feelings of despair, sadness, and anger. I also hope this aids me in healing from my miscarriage. I imagined that it would be a little easier by now, almost 2 months later, but it's not. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. Hell, everyday is a struggle for me to want to live, not that I want to kill myself or anything. It's just that I can't imagine living my life while my baby is dead. I cry every single day. I have never felt this pain in my life. This is the hardest thing I've been through and I'm really struggling. I think talking to somebody will help me and I truly hope it does. I'm also reading some books while on break. I should get 2 tomorrow from the library and even though I'm sure I will cry and it will be hard to read, I know I'm not alone and that so many other people have gone through this. I envision that it will give me a perspective from down the road, being able to live with the fact that my first baby didn't make it but that I can still be happy and live life and have other babies when I'm ready.

I was going to write more but that's all for now. I'm just not feeling like writing anything more. 

xoxo Rach

Why?

Why did God take my baby? I don't understand. Why did he take the man I cared about? I don't know. I don't deserve all of this. I've already been through so much. It's not fair. I'm so angry. I will never be happy. I will never deserve anything and I don't understand why He won't let me just be content and loved.

Now

I have an interview on Monday. I'm really excited and hope I get it. I'm ready to go back to work and make more money. Plus, I've been looking at apartments and am getting really excited about having my own place this summer. I hope everything works out. I'm so ready for a change.

As far as the baby goes, it's really hard still. I don't think I will ever completely get over it. It was just so unplanned, such a surprise. The best gifts are always the ones you don't expect. I think I just have to keep moving forward and make a great life for myself. I pray that one day I will have a baby-at the right time with the right man. Maybe it's weird to be thinking about this now, but when something so precious comes into your life and it's suddenly taken away, it feels awful. I just want everything to be alright. I want my plan for my life to work out because for me, I've never had these huge dreams. I want to travel a little bit and finish school and get a great job, but really, all I've wanted to do with my life is have a family. In the next 3-5 years I hope that happens.

Anyways, I'm excited for the new term because this one has been less than great. I had to drop one of my classes and I'm not positive that I will pass one. Fuck!! Well, I just have to do better. I need to get my motivation up. I'm pushing my graduation date further and further and I HAVE to graduate by fall 2012. I won't go an extra year. I absolutely refuse. I just want to get it done with, do the best I can, and move on. I'm ready to establish a life for myself-by myself.

My birthday is in 126 days. Yes, I have a countdown. lol. I'm so jazzed about turning 21. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life and it's just around the corner. Yay!! I have no idea exactly where I'm going to go but I know I'm gonna go out and get super drunk with all my friends. It's the first time it will be legal! Haha. Crazy, huh? Now nobody can tell me what to do. Nobody can criticize me for drinking or any of that shit because I'll be able to legally now. High five, I love you long time!!

Disaster

I wish I could say that things are going really well, but unfortunately they aren't. I have to be out of my mom's house in June, which means I have to get a job. It's not that big of a deal, but it's been hard to find a job. I admit I haven't been looking that hard though. I really want my own place with no roommates so that means I have to work a lot. At the end of the day, I might have to sacrifice for a little bit and find roommates and live with people I don't even know. I only have a little over a year left of school, but I'm afraid this will extend it. I know a lot of people who work and do school so I hope that I can do it. Actually, I don't really have a choice anymore so I have to.

It seems like a lot of people are mad at me lately. Look, I am who I am. I have a big mouth. I say the wrong things sometimes. Really, though, people should talk to me instead of just assuming that they know me and my life. I'm a 20 year old young woman who has fun just like anybody else my age. I do not have a problem though. Really...

I'm still having a hard time with losing the baby. So many people I know are prego and I would be right along with them. It's really difficult to see babies because they're everywhere-on tv, on the streets. There's no escape. It's weird because I never knew how much it meant to me to be a mom until I became pregnant. I just wish I knew a way to escape my thinking. With every passing week I think about how far along I would be. I don't know how else to think of it though. All I can focus on is what I've lost, not the lessons, so to speak, I've learned from this. There really is no lesson in losing a child though. Nobody should ever have to go through this, especially me. I've been through more than enough. I thought that maybe this would be some new experience that would change my life and force me to grow up. Unfortunately, I think it's dragged me down. I'm stuck in this depression that just won't go away. I know it's only been 3 weeks and I need to give myself time but it's the time part that hurts the most.

Maybe someday I will be alright, but right now, honestly, I'm not.