Disaster

I wish I could say that things are going really well, but unfortunately they aren't. I have to be out of my mom's house in June, which means I have to get a job. It's not that big of a deal, but it's been hard to find a job. I admit I haven't been looking that hard though. I really want my own place with no roommates so that means I have to work a lot. At the end of the day, I might have to sacrifice for a little bit and find roommates and live with people I don't even know. I only have a little over a year left of school, but I'm afraid this will extend it. I know a lot of people who work and do school so I hope that I can do it. Actually, I don't really have a choice anymore so I have to.

It seems like a lot of people are mad at me lately. Look, I am who I am. I have a big mouth. I say the wrong things sometimes. Really, though, people should talk to me instead of just assuming that they know me and my life. I'm a 20 year old young woman who has fun just like anybody else my age. I do not have a problem though. Really...

I'm still having a hard time with losing the baby. So many people I know are prego and I would be right along with them. It's really difficult to see babies because they're everywhere-on tv, on the streets. There's no escape. It's weird because I never knew how much it meant to me to be a mom until I became pregnant. I just wish I knew a way to escape my thinking. With every passing week I think about how far along I would be. I don't know how else to think of it though. All I can focus on is what I've lost, not the lessons, so to speak, I've learned from this. There really is no lesson in losing a child though. Nobody should ever have to go through this, especially me. I've been through more than enough. I thought that maybe this would be some new experience that would change my life and force me to grow up. Unfortunately, I think it's dragged me down. I'm stuck in this depression that just won't go away. I know it's only been 3 weeks and I need to give myself time but it's the time part that hurts the most.

Maybe someday I will be alright, but right now, honestly, I'm not.