the excitement of new distractions

I'm starting to feel a little bit better, not so depressed. I think the medication they have me is really boosting my brain chemistry so that I'm able to live my life and not be feeling the sadness of losing my daughter all the time. It's only been a few days so we'll see how things go in the long run but I am hopeful. That doesn't mean that I'm still not sad-I just don't lull in it. I'm able to think of great things coming up. That also might be it...the excitement of new distractions. Of course I think about my addie alllllll the time, but I can be happy for new things too. Life is all about this balancing game. You just have to find the right balance-for you-but I think I'm heading towards the right direction in figuring things out.

Speaking of babies, I got some stuff for lily pad. Her shower is august 6 and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm trying to get things my sister really needs...boring, but necessary stuff people wouldn't think about buying. lol. So it's nice to have an outlet and think about the things I will need when I get pregnant someday. It's kind of like releasing the sadness and channeling it into happiness for my sister and hope for when my day comes...and I really hope it does come someday.

I got approved for the apartment! I'm so excited to move in next saturday. I will have it to myself for 3 weeks before my brother gets back in town. I can have some fun and get settled and get the place looking great. I'm a little worried about expenses and getting everything and paying about $850 a months (including tv/internet/electricity). I'm hoping that my brother is responsible and can find a part time job easily until school starts. I'm gonna pray to baby jesus about that. It's really wearing me down. I just need to stay focused on my happiness and excitement.

I start my internship training at 10am so I'm headed off to bed. Night everybody.

23

23 weeks I would have been with you my Addison. I'm sorry we couldn't hold on to each other. I would give ANYTHING for that to have happened. I love you sooooo much. You're my angel.

Love, Mommy

I Don't Know How To Be Something You Miss

We were going to have a child. I fell in love with you right then and there. I knew you would be a good daddy. That's a huge reason as to why I wasn't worried about being pregnant. I knew you would be there and help support our baby. I thought that things could work out and we could get to know each other more and do things as a family-like picking out things that we needed for the baby or going out with our families & friends. I'm sad that none of that happened. I really wanted the baby and I definitely wanted you to be apart of our lives. But I can't believe you just dipped on me. Did our friendship before mean anything at all to you? I'm very disappointed and hurt by how you have been ignoring me the past 4 months. It's not fair that I have to go through this alone. Do you even care that you lost your baby too? I don't know what I can say to make you care. I don't know how to make me or the baby something you miss.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like nothing will get better. I feel completely alone and out of place. So many friends I know have boyfriends and/or are starting families. It just seems I'm behind. I really want a family, but I'm trying to finish school first. I missed out that chance to be a mommy and that's still hard for me. Nothing can ever make it better, no matter how right it may have been. It's really sad :/ I'm trying to stay strong and have faith but sometimes it's hard to believe in something you can't see or feel. I'm in this awkward, transitional period. I've very ready to start my life on my own terms. I just have to wait out the next month or so and then get on this path that everybody else seems to be on. I'm scared but I think it will be worthwhile. It feels right this time. Well, it at least feels MORE right this time. Maybe some new doors will open up to me, but if there's anything I've learned in the past few months, it's that doors can close as quickly as they open. I need to be pessimistic. Things are not what they seem. People will use you for their own gains. Sometimes I feel like God is using me. He used me to have a baby, only for her to be taken away from me. It's so cruel and unfair. I don't believe in fairytales or happy endings. I don't believe in good things.