2011 New Year's Resolutions

Double ears pierced-ever since I can remember I've wanted my earlobes pierced again and I will do it!
Drink more water-Just good for me to do.
Workout 2-3X per week-Again, good for me. It helps me sleep better and feel better about myself.
Tattoo-Not sure of what yet, but tattoos are representative of what I have been through and in light of the crazy year that I've had I think it's time to add
Vacation-Finally I will be 21!! I want to go on vacation because I deserve it! Not sure where to but would love to go to Vegas for a few days.
Focus-I need to focus on getting good grades. I get so distracted sometimes and it's not a good quality to have.
Say 'I Love You' more-I want to say this more to the people who have helped me. Sometimes it's hard for me to open up like that but I need to let my guard down.
Buy car-Which should be very soon!!!!
Get job-So I can save for a vacation and fun stuff :)

Happy New Year everybody!! I hope all your wishes come true.

Taija Lyn

Taija Lyn Belwood: January 25, 1990-December 31, 2007

It's been three years since one of my good friends from elementary school passed away. When I found out, I took it especially hard. I had recently added her on myspace yet never took a moment to say hello. She seemed to be the same girl I knew years before. She was always smiling and laughing-full of life. One of my favorite memories with her is when she had a Hawaiian Party. Taija, myself, and some other girls from school got together for a sleepover. We ate delicious food and danced and sang. We just had a good time. Late at night we lit fireworks in her front yard (oops!) and she taught me some choreography to a Britney Spears song from Darren's Dance Grooves. Wow. It still cracks me up just thinking about it, but I am so grateful to have such great memories with a wonderful person like Taija. I keep some pictures of her in my room so it's like I get to see her everyday. I know that I will see her again someday. I hope that she found Nicole and welcomed her with open arms. I really believe she did that. Her mom recently told me something. She said never let a day pass by when you could have said something. I will always live with frustration knowing that I never said anything to her before she passed away, but I am also hoping that I will be able to forgive myself. I hope she knows what she meant-and always will-mean to me. I love you girly. Until we meet again-see you later. Sweet dreams my dear.

Follow Through

So...I met this guy. He is amazing! We have been dating a little over a month. He's hilarious and completely gets my sense of humor. Plus, I know he's crazy about me. I don't think I've ever felt such a connection with somebody before. I can be my complete goofy self around him and he just gets it. I don't know what the future holds but I won't be afraid this time. I won't hold myself back but I won't let myself go either.Maybe 2011 will be a great year after all-in more ways than one :)

Tonsils

For about the past six months I have had reoccurring bouts with tonsilitis. My tonsils and lymph nodes in my mouth swell up, making it difficult to eat and swallow. Finally, about a month ago, my doctor referred me to a specialist. He told me it was my choice whether to take them out or not but that I should probably wait one more time, and if I got it again, take them out for sure. So...I decided that I wanted to take them out anyways. I didn't want to wait to get sick again. The receptionist told me my insurance sucked and she would have to check in on it. During this time, I got tonsilitis again. That was the final straw. I told her I'm doing it no matter what. Fortunately, my insurance worked out well enough to where I won't have to pay too much, and they were able to schedule me for the 29th of December. Nerves came over me like no other. I have very bad anxiety and that did not help me one bit. I arrived at the hospital at 8am, unaware that I would be in an outpatient room for two hours until surgery. I was not a happy camper. Anyways, I got in in an hour and a half. The anesthesiologist gave me some medicine in the room and wheeled me off. I was so damn drowsy!! But then he gave me something else, put an oxygen mask over me and the next thing I remember is trying to wake up. I must have passed the hell out. lol. It was really hard to wake up because I was so groggy and just wanted my mom. I had to wait about a half hour before they wheeled me back but they did and I was happy to have it over with. I left the hospital at about 2pm. I am now just eating soft foods. All I have managed to get down in jello, a popsicle, and some mashed potatoes. It's really hard to swallow :( I have to wait until tomorrow morning to take the medication for swelling. However, I am on very nice pain meds which I take 3 of every 3 hours. This means that I have to wake up every three hours though. Blahhhh. So...I just wanted to let everybody know what I'm doing. Glad I have them out and glad I won't be so sick anymore but right now it sucks. Plus, school starts next week, so I'm hoping I feel plenty better so I don't have to miss any class. Okay, gonna go now. Hope everybody is having a good week so far!
-Rach

Ashley Dettra

 

Ashley Dettra  March 17,1990-December 26, 2010

The same thing happened with Taija. I hadn't seen her since elementary school but added her on myspace, you on facebook, and then I just never said anything. About a month later she was gone and now you are too. Ashley, I'm so sorry I never even said, "Hi, How are you?" We weren't the best of friends but we had the same kindergarten teacher and went through elementary school together. I remember your happiness and beautiful smile at school. Listening to what your friends have to say about you, I know that hadn't changed. I hope you find a beautiful place in heaven and are with your family. I hope you find Taija, and I can't wait until I see you guys again. Until then, rest in peace girl. Love you ♥

Merry Christmas!

I woke up around 12:30 and opened presents. I got some really great stuff-a pink zebra hair dryer, a Victoria's Secret purse, blankie, jammies, body mist...and so much more. I hope you all had an amazing Christmas as well!

I sent out Merry Ho Ho Ho texts (lol). I clicked on Nicole's name but unclicked it because I remembered she's not here anymore :( I wish they had a phone in Heaven for holidays.

Gracie

I never truly knew what love meant until she was born. It's this special, unbreakable love that exceeds time and death. It's better and more true than a relationship type of love. I know I can always count on her to make me laugh and say silly things. She knows she can always count on me to give her a big hug and yell "Gracie!!!" Every day, multiple times a day, I tell her I love her thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssss much. It's so cute. She says "Sissy, I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssss much." This goes on all day. I have made up songs about her. "I love Gracie, I love Gracie. How bout you? How bout you? Little nanny foo foo. Little nanny foo foo. Boo-boo. Boo-boo." She has so many silly nicknames. Now, she likes to call me a meanie and a banana head. We're always so crazy with each other and I love it. I love her. She is my every reason for being. Anytime I think about how much life sucks I remember that I have an amazing little sister who I know would be devastated if something happened to me. And I would just die knowing that she felt that pain because of me. I have a responsibility to be the best big sister I can be. I will help guide her through life as she travels her own paths and makes her own mistakes. There will be times that she will hate me but I will love her as much as I did the very minute I saw her. That's a lot of love. People will be mean to me, hurt me, use me...but I have at least one person who I know loves me even when I make mistakes. She will tell me it's okay and that she loves me. And I truly believe it. I'm so blessed to have an amazing little person to whom I can wake up and see every morning and kiss goodnight before we go to bed. I feel like I'm supposed to teach her so much, but really she has taught me everything. She's my little Nana forever. I'm really glad that we kept her :)

Misused/Truth

I feel like I try so hard, only to be misused. I'm putting myself out there. I'm being exactly who I am and I really don't know what people think about that. But I can't stay stuck. If you're my friend-my true best friend-then let me know. I don't want to have relationships with those who are going to leave me, betray me, which has recently been happening. "You have too much shit going on." Well, yes, my good friend died, my brother was sent to Salem in a juvenile corrections facility, he could possibly be schizophrenic, I have had tonsilitis the past six months, and I'm very depressed and anxious about everything. Yes, I have issues, a lot more than one person should have. But I don't sit and complain about it. I don't even tell people. So to everyone-let me know that you're there and that I can always count on you and talk to you when needed. If this doesn't apply to you then you might as well be like all these other motherfuckers who have deleted me on fb for no reason that I know of other than what they don't know. Sorry if it's confusing, but I'm tired of giving so much and getting nothing in return. Please just be there for me. Text me. Call me. Let me know you're there. Love to my true friends.

Unsure/Family

This week has been crazy to say the least. A man who completely rejected me months ago has realized what an asshole he was and wants to hang out. A man who I had a crush on, who told me that he didn't feel the same, told me he thinks I'm really cute and wants to hook up. Then there's Kent. Sweet, beautiful Kent. I haven't seen him in over a week because he was visiting family and has been sick but I really hope I get to see him soon. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man. He's hilarious, a homebody...and he likes to cuddle :) But I stuck feeling what I shouldn't be feeling for 2 dumbos with 2 completely different lives. Help!!!

On a side note, I am so incredibly happy to be the the Callaghan's on the 18th. I love being at family gatherings because I feel like they truly are my family. We talk all the time. We share our lives, share interesting facts. Everything I've ever wanted in a family is what they have and it's a beautiful thing. Just eating, making time together, and remember Nicole make for an incredible day. I know she will be happy we are doing this. She would want us to stay together and keep her memories alive. We always talk about her. "Oh Nicole, loved this movie," "Oh, Nicole would have this color there." I mean, she's still here. Inside of us. And being with her actually family brings her closer to me. I still miss her like hell. The days just linger without her here. But days like these about to come, these are the days that I am happiness because I feel like I'm seeing her again-just not physically, but mentally and spiritually. Happy Holiday to you Nic. I know you will be with us laughing your beautiful laugh. I love that.

A Letter To You My Dear

Well hello there,

I miss you. I think about you every single day, but I'm sure you already know that. I know you don't want me to be sad but it's hard because I love you so very much. I know that last time I saw you, that last time I said goodbye, you were trying to tell me you loved me too. I wish you were here because I have so much to tell you and so much I need to hear from you. I know you're still here in a sense, but it's just not the same.

When I was at your house a few weeks ago I felt you. I could feel your presence everywhere. I'm pretty sure you were there because I felt your arms around me. I hope it was you :)

Thank you for being my friend. You are one of the sweetest, most beautiful people I have ever met. You had the most amazing smile and laugh. The way you scrunched up your nose was oh so adorable. I can picture it now. When it seemed like nothing was going right you gave me a reason to smile. The whole time I was with you all the craziness seemed to drown out.

It's hard right now because it makes me cry when I think of all the memories we could be having right now but never will. I am in no means ungrateful for the time we had together because it was amazing, but I wish there could have been more.

I hope you found a beautiful place in Heaven. I hope you've found some peace and are adjusting well. I'm sure you are. You always make friends so easily because you were just so awesome!

Please know that I love you. I always will. You will always be apart of me. You have this special place in my heart and I carry you with me everywhere I go.

Don't worry about me. It will eventually get a little bit easier. You were just such a big part of my life, especially the last few months of your life. You wanting to spend time with me meant so much and I hope it meant the same to you. Until we meet again, which I know we will...it isn't goodbye, just see you later.

With so much love, your friend, Rach <3

Nicoley Oley

Everyday I miss my Nicoley Oley. There's not a day that passes by when I don't think about her. Almost daily I want to call her and tell her how everything went. I want to fill her in on all the good and bad things and hear her words of wisdom. She always had this way of cheering me up. She had such a great sense of humor. She was just so animated and funny without being annoying, which is quite rare. I know I write about her a lot. I don't mean to obsess or overdue it but she's always on my mind. Nicole is one of those people you never forget about, even if you had only met her once. For those of you who knew her, you know exactly what I mean. It's hard to put into words but she really just filled your heart with love and cheerfulness. Whenever I was around her I forgot about my problems and was completely in the moment. We could be silly. We could also talk about and compare our situations and it made me feel better to know that somebody actually listened. I miss that. I miss going to see her and just hanging out. Right now I'm still trying to cope with what I've lost, as I'm sure many are. I really hope that one day I will be able to realize what I've had and be able to hold onto that. That's my hope for all who knew this lovely lady :)