I Blame You

You said that losing my daughter should be taken as a lesson learned. No. Being pregnant was the most beautiful thing and I was so happy. I have no regret over that-only that I created a child with you. How can you not love your own child, what you and I created? Oh, because it wasn't even yours? You're a piece of shit. You and I both know that baby was yours. I can't believe you would deny a child. You can think whatever you want about me but that was your baby too. I am grieving alone and it's not fair. You should be here for me. I couldn't raise our daughter alone and I can't cope with losing her alone. I'm so angry with you. I blame you for so many things. How could you? We were going to have a child and you fucked it up. We were going to have a little blessing and you couldn't get past your ego. I hope you live with that guilt everyday, just as I live with the sadness of losing my daughter everyday. The pain is unbearable. How can you go on with your life like nothing happened? I hate you. I really, truly hate you. You are sad and pathetic. I blame you for losing my daughter. You took my baby from me. That is unforgivable. I hope you burn asshole.

A Letter To Addison

Sweetheart, I love and miss you so, so much. I wish I could be there to take care of you but it's just not my time yet. There are so many things that I need to do before I get there. I wish I could see you grow up. I'm not quite sure how it works, but I know auntie is taking care of you and will explain it all. Honey, never doubt that I love you. If you had made it here I would have taken care of you and loved you like crazy and never once regretted it. I felt connected to you and I knew I couldn't let you go. I was forced to do so and it wasn't fair to either of us. Maybe God has something really amazing in store for us. I sure hope so. You are my first born, my angel baby. Always & forever mine sunshine. Mommy loves you every day. Don't you ever forget that!

Someday I Will Understand

I've been so stressed out with studying and cramming to get all my assignments and reading done. I barely have time to breathe! So that's really what's been taking up a lot of my time and life. Of course I thought about Addison today. It made me a little bit sad. I tried to shop for some things for my friends who are pregnant and it was really hard. I look at all the baby things and think I could be needing that right now. I would be almost 21 weeks and know if I'm having a boy or girl-but of course mama knows you were a little girl!! I'm trying my best to keep positive but it's really hard. I can't change anything no matter how much I want to. I'm gonna try to not think about being pregnant with Addison because that will never happen :( Maybe I can think about being in love and pregnant but not with my baby girl :( I love her soooo much but what I want doesn't matter because it was in God's hands and it wasn't the right time. I do miss my baby but I really do need to try to move on somewhat. It's been almost 4 months since I lost her and I have to think of it as I gained a baby angel. I have so much to look forward to in heaven!! I can't wait for that day :)

Tattoo #5

 10-09-11

I know I'll see the sun shine bright

upon my baby's face

When I finally get to heaven

all my pain will be erased

That's the next tattoo I wanna get with my due date and the quote. I love it :)

Addison

All I have been thinking about the past few days is Addison. I am imagining how I would look and feel at 19 weeks. I imagine seeing her ultrasounds and feeling her inside my belly. I picture her kicking or twirling in my tummy. It's a very sweet thing to think about.

I'm doing my best to move on and not be upset about it. I loved my daughter and I wanted to keep her. I'm upset that the choice wasn't mine. That might be the most painful part; losing something I wanted so much. The craziest thing is that I didn't know how badly I wanted to be a mother. I wish that I had been given that chance. I would have been a great mommy. I know that it wasn't the right man, the right situation, the right time, but nothing can outweigh my grief and sadness. I still lost my child and it's so unbearable at times.

Something is holding me back from moving forward. What that is I'm not quite sure, but I hope that through some more time and soul searching I am able to figure it out. Nobody can ever replace my daughter. Nothing can fill the void of her being gone, but that doesn't mean I can't go on. I really think she would want me to. I know that she is in great hands up above :)

I want to get a tattoo to remember my daughter, for her to physically remain a part of me-forever. I've been going through different ideas. I'm not yet sure what I will get but I definitely want my due date on there. I will possibly put her name and I'm thinking either the October month flower or a baby angel. It will be very sweet and I can't wait to have my baby apart of me again-just in a different way. 

Moving

I've got a lot going on in my head right now. I'm really excited to be getting a place with my brother but I'm definitely worried about the financial aspects. Am I going to make enough? Will he find a job rather quickly and thus help pay rent? Our lease will only be six months, which I know we can make it through. I guess I'm just more worried about all of the things that could go wrong. Before any of this can happen, we have to be approved. There shouldn't be any problems but we'll see. You never know. I'm also a little bit worried about the area. However, I really think we are getting a great deal. $775/month which includes basic expanded cable, water, sewer, and garbage. The only separate things we have to pay for are electricity and internet. Plus, we get an indoor pool, sauna, foos ball table, pool table, and fitness center. I feel like we are making a good choice being close to the max as well and to the grocery store and retail stores. It's a very convenient area.

Marigold

Some days it just really gets to me that I lost my baby. I lost the most precious, important thing in the world. It's something I can NEVER get back. That's an awful acknowledgment :/ I was thinking about it and decided one of the best ways to remember my baby is to get a tattoo commemorating it. So, I want to get my baby's birth flower (Marigold) and due date (10/09/11). I'm not sure where I want it but I think it would be a great idea. It's my own way of letting my baby know that I will never forget it and it meant the world to me. It brought me so much joy in that short time.

Already Falling Apart

After one day, I mean, really? Shit. I don't even know what to do anymore. I try my best and it's not good enough. I'm trying to think of all these ideas and new ways to do things and nothing seems to click.

Btw, I am SO over men. They just aren't attracted to me. I'm not relationship material. I need to stop giving a shit and just focus on me. I need to make myself happy because nobody else will. I won't let my self down but other people will. They will use me and betray me. Me are heartless assholes and I'm sick of opening myself up a little and not being good enough. Well fuck you jerks!

Over it and over you!

New

Things are actually starting to go right! But damn, I'm so pessimistic. I feel like something is going to come crashing down and ruin my happiness. I just want these few things to go right. I want this man in my life! He is amazing and funny and sweet. Everything I've been looking for!! I really want to find an apartment because I need to start living my own life and my brother needs to do the same. Well, he needs to see what the real world is. And I need to get an internship for this summer. Please!! I'm so close to getting something. Everything is finally coming together and I'm loving it. Now it needs to just stay this way :)

Excited :)

I'm very excited for tomorrow. Nicole's family has invited me over to their house. We are going to have pizza and lemonade and celebrate Nicole's birthday. There is going to be a slideshow that I am VERY excited to see. I love getting together with her family. They feel like my family as well. We understand how each other feels and we relate to that because we all miss Nicole so much. Whenever I am in that home I feel her. I feel her presence and spirit. I never thought I could miss somebody so much. I can honestly say that I think about her every single day and miss her so much more each day that passes by. It's hard to find a true friend that completely understands you and never judges you-just tells you straight how it is. My favorite thing about Nicole was her laughter. It was so adorable and deep but girly. I can picture it in my head right now. I can hear it and I'm laughing with her. Well, that's all I have to say for right now. I miss Nicole very much but I'm glad that we are all sticking together and remembering her. I know that she would be very proud of us for continuing to carry out our lives the best we can. The love I have for her continually grows because she is still a part of my life. Everything I do I feel like she is right beside me. When I take drinks I always give a shout out to her. Oh Nicole. I miss you dear. I love you. Hope to feel your presence tomorrow.

Week 4

I got a little bit distracted last week but I'm back on my workout plan. My clothes are starting to get looser. I'm losing weight in my butt which is funny cuz I don't have one to begin with :( I'm gonna weigh myself when I go to the gym tomorrow or Sunday so hopefully I've lost a few pounds since my last check in.

Happy Birthday

My dear Nicole,

7 months without you has felt like a lifetime. Literally. I can't even put into words how much I miss you. You were always there to give me advice. You never judged me. You were a true friend. I miss our talks. I miss being able to text you and just simply say 'I love you' and have you respond with 'I love you too.' There are so many things I want to say and wished I would have said to you. You are honestly the most beautiful soul I have ever met. I hold you in the safest, deepest place in my heart. I try not to be sad, but it's hard to move on after losing such an amazing friend.

I know that you are no longer in pain. I know that you are happy and smiling. You're right where you should be. I wish you were here so that we could celebrate your birthday with you but I'm sure you're partying it up in heaven. haha (okay maybe not). I love you so very much and am so proud and fortunate that I was able to call you my good friend. Happy Birthday my love. Your first in heaven :)