Loss Of A Little Soul

You would have been beautiful
You would have been wonderful
If you didn't have to go
You would have looked just like me
You would have been family
If you didn't have to leave

You would have been my baby girl
You would have ruled the world
You would have been my missing puzzle piece
Now I wonder if I'll ever be complete

You would have grown up to be
Whatever you wanted to be
There isn't much left to say
I barely knew you for a day
And you had to go away

You would have been my baby girl
You would have ruled the world
You would have been my missing puzzle piece
Now I wonder if I'll ever be complete

You are still a part of me
You stay in my heart for free
You'll keep good company
Maybe this chance will come again
But for now let's just pretend
Cause that day's around the bend
You left far too fast
I hope this pain don't last

38 Days

It's been a long time since I've posted. Honestly I've been depressed for the past few months. There are only 38 more days until my little Addison would be here. It's unbearable sometimes. I never knew how much I wanted a baby. More than anything I wanted her. In my mind, she was perfect. I wish I could be holding her in my arms and kissing her sweet cheeks and giving her baths. She would have been so beautiful. Everyday my love for her grows. I wish I could show and express to her that love. I want to turn back time and change what happened but I know I can't. It was completely out of my control. I don't know how life can be so unfair sometimes. I'm trying to take this time to learn about me though. I would love to be a mommy again and give Addison little siblings. Nothing will ever change my love for my little girl though. It can never be replaced either. Now I'm just trying to put back together the pieces of my broken heart, which wasn't even whole to start with, but maybe I can get it slightly pieced together again. I'm at the point where at least sometimes I have hope :)

88 days

I would welcome my baby Addison in about 12-13 weeks. I can't believe how much time has passed by. It's very diffcult. I miss her so much. I envision what she would look like and how her personality would be. I wish I could see her sweet little face, but that's not going to happen. Sometimes I wake up and hope that it was just a dream...that I am magically still pregnant. I open my eyes in the morning realize that it is all real. Each day that passes by makes it harder to want to stay awake. I wonder if she knows that I'm her mommy. Does she know how much I love her and how much I wanted her? Does she love me? Does she know that nothing and nobody can ever replace her?

Lost

I really feel like I lost my whole reason for existing :(

Check In

It's been awhile since I've posted. Things have been a little crazy plus I've kept pretty busy. I started my internship. It's going really well. I enjoy working with the kids, though it's a little tough when they're out of control. I have 2 weeks down and 3 left to go. I'm already dreading the end because you get so close to the kids. I see them more than I see my family.

I've been having a hard time letting go of Addison. I love her so much and I wish I had a big belly bump to show off. I would be so proud of my baby. I have definitely been avoiding my friends who are pregnant. It's just way too hard. The closer I get the more sad I feel.

I saw a man at one of the schools today who looked just like Steve. I hate that I have to be reminded of him. I hate to admit this but it made me upset because I do miss him. He is such an asshole and the things he said and did are unforgivable but there are still good feelings there...

the excitement of new distractions

I'm starting to feel a little bit better, not so depressed. I think the medication they have me is really boosting my brain chemistry so that I'm able to live my life and not be feeling the sadness of losing my daughter all the time. It's only been a few days so we'll see how things go in the long run but I am hopeful. That doesn't mean that I'm still not sad-I just don't lull in it. I'm able to think of great things coming up. That also might be it...the excitement of new distractions. Of course I think about my addie alllllll the time, but I can be happy for new things too. Life is all about this balancing game. You just have to find the right balance-for you-but I think I'm heading towards the right direction in figuring things out.

Speaking of babies, I got some stuff for lily pad. Her shower is august 6 and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm trying to get things my sister really needs...boring, but necessary stuff people wouldn't think about buying. lol. So it's nice to have an outlet and think about the things I will need when I get pregnant someday. It's kind of like releasing the sadness and channeling it into happiness for my sister and hope for when my day comes...and I really hope it does come someday.

I got approved for the apartment! I'm so excited to move in next saturday. I will have it to myself for 3 weeks before my brother gets back in town. I can have some fun and get settled and get the place looking great. I'm a little worried about expenses and getting everything and paying about $850 a months (including tv/internet/electricity). I'm hoping that my brother is responsible and can find a part time job easily until school starts. I'm gonna pray to baby jesus about that. It's really wearing me down. I just need to stay focused on my happiness and excitement.

I start my internship training at 10am so I'm headed off to bed. Night everybody.

23

23 weeks I would have been with you my Addison. I'm sorry we couldn't hold on to each other. I would give ANYTHING for that to have happened. I love you sooooo much. You're my angel.

Love, Mommy

I Don't Know How To Be Something You Miss

We were going to have a child. I fell in love with you right then and there. I knew you would be a good daddy. That's a huge reason as to why I wasn't worried about being pregnant. I knew you would be there and help support our baby. I thought that things could work out and we could get to know each other more and do things as a family-like picking out things that we needed for the baby or going out with our families & friends. I'm sad that none of that happened. I really wanted the baby and I definitely wanted you to be apart of our lives. But I can't believe you just dipped on me. Did our friendship before mean anything at all to you? I'm very disappointed and hurt by how you have been ignoring me the past 4 months. It's not fair that I have to go through this alone. Do you even care that you lost your baby too? I don't know what I can say to make you care. I don't know how to make me or the baby something you miss.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like nothing will get better. I feel completely alone and out of place. So many friends I know have boyfriends and/or are starting families. It just seems I'm behind. I really want a family, but I'm trying to finish school first. I missed out that chance to be a mommy and that's still hard for me. Nothing can ever make it better, no matter how right it may have been. It's really sad :/ I'm trying to stay strong and have faith but sometimes it's hard to believe in something you can't see or feel. I'm in this awkward, transitional period. I've very ready to start my life on my own terms. I just have to wait out the next month or so and then get on this path that everybody else seems to be on. I'm scared but I think it will be worthwhile. It feels right this time. Well, it at least feels MORE right this time. Maybe some new doors will open up to me, but if there's anything I've learned in the past few months, it's that doors can close as quickly as they open. I need to be pessimistic. Things are not what they seem. People will use you for their own gains. Sometimes I feel like God is using me. He used me to have a baby, only for her to be taken away from me. It's so cruel and unfair. I don't believe in fairytales or happy endings. I don't believe in good things.

I Blame You

You said that losing my daughter should be taken as a lesson learned. No. Being pregnant was the most beautiful thing and I was so happy. I have no regret over that-only that I created a child with you. How can you not love your own child, what you and I created? Oh, because it wasn't even yours? You're a piece of shit. You and I both know that baby was yours. I can't believe you would deny a child. You can think whatever you want about me but that was your baby too. I am grieving alone and it's not fair. You should be here for me. I couldn't raise our daughter alone and I can't cope with losing her alone. I'm so angry with you. I blame you for so many things. How could you? We were going to have a child and you fucked it up. We were going to have a little blessing and you couldn't get past your ego. I hope you live with that guilt everyday, just as I live with the sadness of losing my daughter everyday. The pain is unbearable. How can you go on with your life like nothing happened? I hate you. I really, truly hate you. You are sad and pathetic. I blame you for losing my daughter. You took my baby from me. That is unforgivable. I hope you burn asshole.