Taunted

I found out a former friend just had a baby. At this point I feel like God is just taunting me. Losing my child is hard enough but for everybody else to be having one is really difficult to watch. I can't change the past. I know that, but I still just wish that I would wake up and be pregnant. I wish this was all just a dream. I want my sweet little baby back. It's not fair. I don't understand why I'm being punished. I loved my baby with all my heart and then she was taken away from me in an instant. It's hurt so much. I think about her every single day. Not a day passes by when I don't. I'm sad that I don't have Addison in my belly anymore. I wish she was still growing inside of me. I wish I was buying diapers and little clothes for my baby girl, but I'm not because she's not here. I don't know how to be okay with this; the fact that my daughter died. I don't understand the point of it all. I don't understand why so many friends have their little blessings but I no longer do. All I want is my daughter back.

Memory

This is the only picture that I have to remember my baby ;(

Incomplete

I'm feeling a bunch of things right now. For one, I miss my baby like crazy! It's been almost 3 months since I lost my baby and it's still very hard for me. I'm so happy for my friends, but it's really difficult watching them and their growing bellies. I'm extremely envious that they get to pick out a baby name and buy baby clothes and I have nothing to show for what should still be here. I feel so incredibly alone and that that was my one true chance to have a child. It was a complete accident-so unplanned-and that's what made it so special and terrifying. I was okay with doing it on my own and having one beautiful child. I wanted that baby so much and the fact that I lost it is what I still can't get over. It seems like the things we want the most we don't receive. I try my best to move on and fill up my time but sometimes these feelings do get the best of me. The only comfort I have is knowing that Nicole is with my angel and she is watching over him/her until I get there. That makes me happy :)

Week 3

I've lost 9 pounds after 3 weeks! I'm beyond thrilled. I already see the changes in my body and it feels amazing to have a flatter tummy :) I'm still 42 pounds away from my goal though so I have a ways to go. I'm hoping to lose 17 more by my birthday. I have about 10 weeks until then so I think I can do it.

Still Hurts

This feeling will never go away and it sucks. I miss my baby more than words can express. It's unbelievable that something so beautiful and precious can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I would have been an amazing mommy. I know I'm not ready but I would have done everything I could to give that baby an amazing life. I wish I had a belly and were doing art projects for the baby. There were so many things that I looked forward to. I was absolutely scared but it was something that I wanted so much. The best things in life are those that are unplanned. I truly do believe that. I hope my baby knows how much I wanted it. I wish it was still inside my tummy growing bigger and bigger everyday :(

Remember Me

"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it." -Gandhi 

 

No matter how small we may seem in the world, it only takes one person to change it. We will never know unless we try. However, we cannot all make a significant impact. When we die, all of our names will not be in the news. That does not mean we did not affect people or change lives. It is important to participate in life and live it because it will change the way we see ourselves-and the way others will see us as well.

 

 

For Nicole :)

It hurt soo freaking bad but I love it. I hope she would too :) I wanted a shooting star effect, movement throughout. Her favorite color was blue and mine is pink. We knew each other for 6 years and that's what the stars represent.

Tattoo

Sketch for the tattoo tomorrow. I love it and I hope she would too :)

Sweet October

My little angel in heaven. Are you now big and strong? I wish you were in my tummy still developing and growing. I would be finding out if you're my little boy or little girl! I would be buying you clothes. Blue or pink? Now I must wait until I reach heaven to be with you and see who you are and what you've become. I know that you are not alone. You are with Aunt Nicole and Aunt Taija. I hope that have found you and are taking care of you until I can do so. If I could change anything from my entire life it would be that you were still here. I loved you so much when you were in my tummy. I love you now more than ever. I have come to realize what you mean to me. You were physically a part of me. Even though you couldn't stay, you shone a light on my life. You saved me. My baby. You saved me from myself. While I would rather you here God did not see fit for us to be together right now. That's why he took you into heaven. He is protecting you until I am able to give all my love to you. I promise that love will accumulate and never lessen or cease to exist. The decisions I make are based upon you. I'm so sorry little boy or little girl that I cannot be holding you in my arms right now. One day that will happen and we will be free of pain and sorrow and just love each other.When it comes to this sweet October when you should be arriving in the world I will be so incredibly sad. I know I still have you. You're just not here. That hurts so bad. I'm sorry I didn't make a better decision and that I couldn't protect you. Above all, know I love you and I wanted you so much. Nothing ever can or will change that. You are my child. My first. My most special baby. Nothing could ever erase or make me regret the time you were here because it was so beautiful. October is going to be so hard no being able to see your sweet, angelic face. But I know you're safe in heaven with Auntie Nic & Taija. They will take amazing care of you. Do not be afraid little one. God has a plan for us and even though we may not see it or understand it, it's there. We just have to believe sweetie. Please believe that I love you and I would have kept you and don't it all my by myself if I had to. I would have been happy to do it too, as long as it was you by my side. My baby boo. I love you. Until we finally meet....It's so hard to wait that long. I'll just say I'll see you later little baby. I'll see you in heaven. And go find Aunt Nicole's baby girl. She is there waiting for her mommy. Keep her company :) Little boy.....little girl....nobody will ever love you as much as I do. You stay with me every day 24/7. Even though you are no longer physically a part of me, you're a part of my heart and soul. Our love will never die. I hope you have a sweet October. I will read to you and bring you flowers and come visit you. Sweet little baby I love you forever. Until the day we meet again. Goodbye. Mommy loves you :)

Let's See Where This Goes.

Life IS about taking chances but it's also about knowing when the risk isn't worth the fall. There's a reason people don't make it into your future. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, that people don't make it to my future for a reason. I may not understand, and it may make me sad, but closing the door opens up new opportunities. I've kept the door locked, so I'm going to try it. I figure if something does work you either change it or learn to live with it. Every time I've received the same outcome, so this time I will try something different. I really have nothing to lose because I've already lost so much. I hope that in time everything will fall into place and make sense. I hope to be a better, happier person because of the mistakes I've make, but also because of the growth that I've embraced. It may not seem like it now, but I do believe in faith and destiny. I'm trying to let some sort of higher power lead the way. I think I sometimes hold onto life too much because I'm afraid of missing out. I believe that maybe the key is to not risk everything all the time, but to cautiously choose what it is your heart tells you to do, even if it doesn't make sense. I need to truly listen to my heart and soul, not some theory which I have upon life. Everybody's path is different. I can't place so many expectations on myself because if I do, I will fail. I've lived and I've hurt. Maybe now it's time that I live and let go. Live and love those who earn and deserve it. Nothing is more important than oneself because ultimately we have to live with ourselves and the decisions we make. At the end of the day, I'm the most important person to myself. If I'm not happy with who I am, how can anybody else be? How can I help other people if I can't help myself? There's nothing harder than when things reach the end, when something has to be let out of your life. Forever. I've come to hate that word. But forever you are out of my life because you have hurt me in a way that is unforgivable. Some day I will conquer my fear and forgive you, but today is not that day. Let the bad people inspire you. Prove all the people who told you you couldn't do it wrong. Let the people who have betrayed you leave and don't let them back. Only keep people in your life who deserve you. Each one of us is truly special and deserves love, respect, and happiness just as much as the next person. Be the person you strive to be and never let anybody bring you down. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass. I don't know. I will let you know how it goes though.

xoxo Rach

I Want It Back...

On that list I would like...
1. my baby
2. my love
3. my life
4. my happiness
5. my nicoley
6. taija lyn
7. my great-grandparents

I am so freaking miserable because so many people I knew and loved died. I didn't even get the chance to know my baby. Why is God so cruel? Haven't I been through enough? I want the baby I had back because he was perfect. A perfect embryo that I was already so madly in love with. Why couldn't that love stay?

15 weeks

I would be 15 weeks pregnant right now. I would be finding out within the next few weeks if I'm having a boy or girl :( Life is so cruel. I miss my baby.

Nicole's Birthday

There are less than 4 weeks until Nicole's birthday. She's been gone 6 months. Though I don't cry everyday anymore, I still miss her. I wonder what she would say about things that have gone on and what advice she would give me. She was always the best at giving advice. She never judged you even if you seriously fucked up. We could always be silly yet serious with each other. It was a great friendship I wish could have progressed into something more dynamic. I wish I knew a lot of her secrets and that we had done more things together. However, I am so incredibly grateful for the time that we did share. It will filled with so much love and happiness. We never really talked about too many bad things, just good. In a way I'm okay with that because I never wanted us to focus on her illness or that she was dying. It didn't seem important. What was important was making the most of the time we had together. To know that somebody is dying is in a way such a beautiful thing. We got to know each other more than we ever had in all the time we knew each other. The last two months of her life we so lovely and I got to see her about 6 times. I thank God for allowing us that time, even though Nicole was in pain and needed to go. We got to a great place and got to say our goodbyes. The last time I saw her was in her living room the night before she passed. She was laying on her hospital bed. She couldn't move or speak. Knowing that this would be the last time I would see her, I held her hand, went up close to her face, and told her that I loved her. Her eyes opened and tried to look straight at me but quite couldn't. I know she was trying to say that she loved me too. And that was all I needed. She truly loved me and I truly loved her in return. That's my last memory of Nicole. It has to be my best too. Every day I love and miss you nicoley. I try to make sense of it and understand why you're gone but I don't. You should still be here, happy, and healthy. But I can't think like that because that's not how it happened. I miss her so much! For her birthday I want to do something extremely special. To those of you that knew here, do you have any ideas? I was thinking visiting her grave site or going to the beach. I just need a day about my love Nicole. I miss you so much love. Way too much.

Life Goes On

I've been hoping that all these things have happened for a reason. I've been hoping that they have been preparing me for some really great surprises. What if it means nothing? As much as I want to have faith and believe in good things, I'm not sure that I can. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. Life is not balanced in terms of proper rewards and punishments. What can I take away from that?

I can drown myself in sorrow with what ifs. I try not to think like that. Something just keeps holding me back. What it is I'm not sure. After so long, I'm tired of fighting. I won't give in or stop trying but with no positive results the work hardly seems worth the effort. I wish I couldn't care. I wish I didn't feel so strongly tied to this life and to this baby.

...but whether I want it to or not, life goes on.

Mmmkkk

This is my to-do list and we'll just see where it goes.
1. go spray tanning 2-4X a month
2. go to the gym 2-4X a week
3. hair trim (check!)
4. dye my hair (check!)
5. pedicure
6. get a job
7. stay the night at the beach
8. visit Nicole for her bday and spend the day at the beach in her memory :)
9. visit Taija

Those are my big goals. Now, for turning 21 in 12 weeks :) here's my to-do list.
1. go to darcelle's
2. dance at dirty
3. get a man-dance at acropolis
4. buy champagne, bitch beer, and some nice liquor just cuz I can :)

.....to get to the other side

I'm so incredibly confused. I don't want to make things more than they are but there needs to be some sort of clarification. If you two could please get back to me on that I would appreciate it.

I can't get over the fact that I want to be a mommy. I want it so bad. Losing mine brought me to the realization that all I want to do is have babies and be healthy and have a great career. I want a very simplistic life. All of that is okay with me. I just want to hold my own child in my arms because I know it's the most beautiful gift I could ever be blessed with. Another year and then I will be pregnant I hope. I will almost be done with school and hopefully have a job lined up. I feel like I don't have time to waste and what is holding me back? That's what these six months are for....turning 21 and partying like a rockstar! My day will come when the time is right and the man is right.

In order to graduate by Summer 2012, I must take 12 credits this term (spring '11) and 12 credits this summer (summer '11) and 16 credits each for Fall '11, Winter '11, Spring '12 and Summer '12. Yeah it's gonna be a hell of a year left.

NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Where to begin...

Well school is going alright. I'm really trying to stay focused and keep up on homework and reading and it's going well so far. I'm taking it one day at a time and not become too overwhelmed. My classes are fairly easy, just lots of reading which is okay I guess. I need to get my GPA up this term and I'm hopeful that I can do that :)

It's been about two months since I lost the baby and it's still very hard. A lot of friends are pregnant and while I am very happy for them I feel sad because I'm not. I still really wish I was. I was so excited to be a mommy and having a little baby in my tummy was such an amazing experience even if it didn't last very long. I'm trying to get to the realization that that is their life now and not mine. It's not my time yet. My plan is to get through school and then I can think about babies. It's really not that long, a year or two. I get to turn 21 and have fun then be done with school and think about those really great things like mommyhood. While I'm sad that now is not my time I have a lot of friends going through the same thing. To my friends currently pregnant, your joy and mommyhood starts now and for the rest of us we can experience lifes adventures in being 21, finish school and THEN it will be our turn and it will be amazing!! I just know that so many of us will be pregnant after school ends and I can't wait! We have a year or two and then we can all be together and share our baby blessings. I do believe that we will be in different spaces and be different people than we are now.

 I'm struggling with my health-in terms of eating healthfully and staying active. I've been taking prenatal vitamins to get folic acid in my system for when I eventually have a baby, but I'm really fat and it needs to stop. I weigh 180 and I at least need to get back to 160. I just don't feel good about myself physically and emotionally. I think working out like two or three times a week would help but I need to set up some sort of plan. Also, I need to be on a diet of healthy eating. more fruits and veggies. I'm getting broccoli, green beans, and oranges from the store tomorrow. Yum!

Well...my love life is fine at the moment. There is casually somebody. He's very nice and he has a big heart. I mean, nothing will ever come of it but we are having fun and it's nice to have somebody cuddle with me and hold my hand.

My back has been hurting. Gonna go see a chiropractor at some point. I can only support my huge tah tahs for so long without damage being done to my back.